Song Review: Sweatshirt by Jacob Sartorius

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For the first time, I've actually gotten 2 requests to make a review. One is going to be an Artist Overview and the other one would be this one: a song review that honestly I wish I hadn't accepted. I said that I wanted to get outside of Asia in my reviews for a change and I think I did a pretty good job, specially since not all reviews have been bad. In fact, only Zayn's song "Pillowtalk" have had a negative review since I made this switch. Today we've broken this streak and oh boy what a song to do so. The song in question would be "Sweatshirt" by 13 year old vine star Jacob Sartorius.

So, there's no way around it, the song is awful. I actually feel ashamed to have it in my internet browsing history. I would rather the FBI, my family, friends, ex-girlfriends, etc, see what type of porn I've looked into other than letting them know that I've actually listened to this song for 1.03 seconds. There is no excuse for it. Asking "what is wrong with it" would not be a useful question since "all of it" would be the answer, but let's dissect this for a moment. There's a term for musical mediocrity that I have adopted from Mr. Todd in the Shadows called "White Guy with Acoustic Guitar" (it's not literal, you don't need to be white or play an acoustic guitar to be a "White Guy with Acoustic Guitar") which is when someone tries to pretend to be sentimental and/or meaningful through lazy gimmicks. In his own words: "As long as you're a lazy, shallow, self-absorbed douche who writes songs that pretends to be sensitive, you too can be a White Guy with Acoustic Guitar". This means that there are "White Guy with Acoustic Guitar" Songs ("7 Years" by Lukas Graham, "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars, "Little Things by One Direction, "Stitches" by Shawn Mendez, etc.) and "White Guy with Acoustic Guitar" Players (Whenever that football player or frat bro who thinks he can play guitar plays "Wonderwall" or "Piano Man").
"Sweatshirt" to me it's a perfect example of a "White Guy with Acoustic Guitar" song. The first thing you hear is a guitar strumming and for the sake of this review I did learn this song on my guitar and let me tell you, 3 chords is all you need in it. I am not saying that every guitar song has to be complex but E, A and B, capo on the 3rd fret, is just plain lazy. So, the guitar sucks because it reeks of laziness, and the beats make it sound "hip" because this is what them kids like, right? The autotuned vocals which any person with decent singing abilities could be able to sing without are there too. There's a little synth riff in the chorus which honestly is not that bad and it is kinda catchy, keeping the juvenile vibe that this kid obviously is trying to cash in on. Which if I had to say something positive about it, at least the song is not trying to be something it's not (for the most part). This prepubescent kid is not pretending to be this badass baller swagger sex god (for the most part). It's a 13 year old singing a love song that sounds that was written by an 11 year old. Other than that there is really not much to say. This is a mediocre song that sounds mediocre with mediocre vocals, mediocre synth, guitar, beats, overall mediocre instrumentation, mediocre songwriting and God Dammit I haven't even talked about the lyrics yet.

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God do these lyrics make me cringe. So, remember those "for the most part" I typed? Well, when I said that the song wasn't pretending to be something it's not, that's until you listen to the lyrics.While the song is exactly what you expect from a talentless prepubescent hack, Jacob is trying so hard to write a love song while sucking his own "ego". Lines like "You can think about me all night long" and "So, baby, if you're not ready for my kiss then you can wear my sweatshirt" just make me want to puke and punch this kid in the face. Honestly, I feel like this is the middle school version of "Blurred Lines". You can hear "I know you want it" all over these lyrics. Probably this song was intended as a "desperate plea of a gentleman fighting for his fair maiden", but who am I kidding? That was me trying to be fair, there is no lyric in this song that indicates that this kid doesn't want to get into this girl's pants and nothing more. For those who say "that is disgusting, he's 13" well, he has forced a "fan" (I guess?) to send him nudes, and there are screenshots of it on the twitter account of the girl herself. So there's that.

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Jacob Sartorius  is another musical celebrity (I refuse to call him an artist or a singer) that they are just god awful in their annoyance and immaturity, like Silento or Rebecca Black, but he reminds me, actually, of another musical cancer that debuted in 2010. In fact, even the songs in which this artist debuted was this bad. Yes, I am talking about the one and only Justin Bieber. As a musician and music critic, I am aware that I must hate Bieber at all costs, but in this case, I am actually going to defend him. The comparisons between Jacob and Bieber to me are almost impossible to ignore. From the attitude, the song, the debut, the age, everything seemed familiar to me, the difference being mostly the success of said debut song (and other minor differences). "Baby" by Justin Bieber is a much better song, by far. Sure, it had more writers including Bieber but this allowed for the final product to be a more "revised" version, so to speak. The only credited writer in "Sweatshirt" is Rolf Sartorius which is the birth name of Jacob Sartorius (his first name), his father, and grandfather so I don't know who to blame for this. The lyrics in "Baby" while the opening line are as egocentrical as "Sweatshirt", someone still makes it cute, because the focus is on Bieber's feelings and how this girl broke his heart, not on how awesome I am and how lending you MY stuff is THE blessing of the Gods. As a love song, it works because it focuses on Feelings and not Ego. Also, "Baby" feels juvenile as well, and the song still stays in the theme not creating a disconnect between singer and subject matter. Even Ludacris in his rap verse understands the subject matter and tells a story of his first crush. "Sweatshirt" just feels like his trying too hard to be a Swagger Ladies Man, and even the sweatshirt in the story feels more like an innuendo the more you think about it.

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Also, "Baby" was catchy. I haven't heard it in years and only the mention of it got me singing it in my head. I couldn't be able to even hum "Sweatshirt" to you even if my life depended on it. Songs like "One Dance", "Watch Me", "Hotline Bling", "Baby", and even "Friday" work as pop songs because they stick in your consciousness so you remember them whether you like it or not. In a way, the songs become a part of your life and become a part of the social consciousness. Don't get me wrong, most of the songs I just mentioned I think are awful, but I remember them. A pop song's success is not measured by quality and longevity, but by notoriety, commercial results, and presence (airplay, per say). And to achieve this, the song must be, at the very least, catchy because that'll make it at least memorable enough to be imprinted in Pop Music History. As mentioned before, "Sweatshirt" is not catchy. The moment I stop listening to it, I forget about it, and just as forgettable is the singer himself. Which, fortunately would mean that this little pukestain wouldn't have the staying power to last a life-long music career. However, I hate to break it to you, but this song did chart on number 90 in the Billboard Hot 100 which honestly, for being the first song you've ever released is not too bad, which makes me fear that the worse is yet to come. Is this the second coming of Bieber? Is this song the first chime of the Bells of the Apocalypse of the music world? Is this the end of New good music in popular media?